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Depression is still on the way…here continues with another one….

Often my phone will be flooded with messages…somebody would just approach you and tell you something..here it goes with the most recent one: hey..do u know xxx…he/she is getting a lot of stress; xxx is unhappy…what should i do; or even some issues that are not understandable. Don’t get me wrong. i would always welcome messages either asking me or even telling me something..i would love to hear your voice..But hey, why would everybody just like to pour something concerning ‘others’ that are not related to me at all? i don’t mean i don’t intend to care for others. I care…a lot…but i would just wonder what the heck it has got to do with me concerning others’ stress, unhappiness and all sorts of things. What happen to these guys nowadays?? Why do they act like this? Is it an impact of ‘globalization’ again?? In contrary, do anybody care about me? Do anyone really think of my welfare?? with a sincere heart ( credit goes to people who have really supported me and given me much encouragement.. i indeed appreciate it)  Anything sinister happen… i would be put on the blame..i’m the one who will suffer..and till now…i couldn’t get an answer for my every question marks.

Everyone, everything seems changing so fast. With just a glimpse, not exceeding a few seconds, you would find differences in everything you do. It just happened that i really learned a lot from what i have seen and encountered. After leaving home for some time, i came to know one thing: ‘eternal‘…’everlasting’ …no matter what it counts on, seems to be so untangible. Nothing is forever. The world is just so artificial that fakeness is dominating the people nowadays. As far as time goes, people’s mind and heart will change due to many exposure…..fairness to fakeness. People whom you know..you care so much seems to experiencing the cloning process and turns out becoming a new person that is changed totally. I will consider it be bad in my cases. Flashing back to what - so - called ‘sweet memories‘ ,you would think you should dump it anyway to makes yourself less suffer. What the extend to still remember it while another party has already forgotten it long time ago…HISTORY!!( In my class, i would always remember what Mr Hanna told me. History is something useful and good to know. Many people would think that it’s just facts and learn from the past. But when you happened to consider it and look at it from the perspective on that particular time period, history is indeed something crucial, brutal and a very sad thing.

To know the fact, things will always change slowly with the development of one’s stages. If you are the lucky ones, you would not be affected by the changes..what i mean is the negative effect. However, if some distractions or something bad unfortunately happen to you and you couldn’t get out it, that it is..end up being a human without a divine spirit and soul. In whatever circumstances, your feelings…being modified slowly, adjusting to what it is really happening. If the adjustment goes well, you will be fine; if everything turns out negatively, you will feel nothing..but DEPRESSION again!!This is what my life worthwhile.

** well…i just happened to pour out my instance feelings…no offend to anyone!!CHEERS!!

How bad can depression be? As bad as a black hole, relentlessly sucking you down?

Depressing to some extent of a half-long life, and till now i couldn’t put a name to my emotions. Everyone
gets low moods, so I assumed that was all I was feeling. Until some
time, when something happened, and it would just drag you to the very
deep hole, that you couldn’t breath, couldn’t think of anything else,
but just a lonely heart filled with emptiness, faithless and hopeless.
Life often seemed pointless, awful and miserable. Worse still, I didn’t
seem able to do anything about it and
thought feeling bad was my own fault because I didn’t try hard enough
to be happy.  I felt numb inside and so
lonely. A hectic and busy life with little pressure and enjoyment may
seem to be the only cure for my incurable sickness. However, this
‘good’ medicine does not seem to be much applicable when time flies.

Feeling really low and spending times on bed watching the ceiling on
top, adding in it is a much sorrow feeling that tears would drench my
face. Or watching outside the window, walking along a quite
passage,feeling of no light at the end of the tunnel, sitting on a
bench-ALONE…the unknown hurt that make me feel isolated mentally, is
indeed a torture. For me, sleeping is actually a blessed relief: being
unconscious is the only way to escape from how sick and mad I was
feeling. During the unconsciousness, i would never feel the waves of
sadness that crushed down on my soul, the heart that hurts and the
empty feeling inside, despite the lowest point, when death enters my
mind. It’s just so true that my mental pains is so unbearable!

When I was depressed, I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit mine and
there was no way out. Don’t get me wrong, i’m not that kind of person
who would just blame everything and the world but myself when something
sinister happened. I have a loving family, a bunch of good friends, in
fact, almost everything!!!I did try, i try very hard to change. I make
it easy to ease my pain, to embrace peace in mind. I try to turn
everything from negative to positive, twist the bad to good, console
and encourage myself to move on when i was sad, depress and lonely,
using all sorts of methods to gain self confidence and maturity.  Am i
pessimistic? Am i not in the right track? Am i a freak? I’m just
happened to encounter all this, trying hard to find a way out, but couldn’t and even worse, lost !People whom i love, i care so much..when you’re our of their sights, and you are out of their minds too. Eternal relationship, friendship seems untangible. What could i do? Who would understand all this? Who would care and help me to get out? I often find myself
asking why. And i know it is a search that I don’t know if I will ever
find the answer.

To be a social science student, i came to know and be aware of all
sorts of world issues happening around. And a conclusion just come to
my mind: UNFAIR!!
This world indeed, is just so unfair-inequality of wealth, food,
gender, love, care…………………………..towards uncountable.
I seem to slowly connecting this fact to my own life, no matter it
turns out to be something positive or negative. I understand that nobody can ever gain as much as he/she has
contributed. But why? I paid so much to gain just a little, but in
return, i have nothing, nothing absolutely!!!Not even a pea!!!  Fear, is always
haunting me, in anytime, any place, as i would scare that something
dreadful might happen that would turn my life upside down. The feeling of losing myself gradually is really scaring me. Hatred feeling that deep seated long ago is even driving me insane.

Meanwhile, I live a life where I appear bright and happy on the outside
and this is the side that not many people know. On the inside I feel
numb and in constant turmoil. i would try my best to make people beside
me feeling comfortable and be loved, fulfill all my promises, as this is what i can do, but also appeared to be the least i could do. Most of
the time, I find it hard to find a solution to lead me out of my
solitude. That is what being depressed feels like……

**This poem i found, suits me a lot, exactly a reflection of ME!