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How bad can depression be? As bad as a black hole, relentlessly sucking you down?

Depressing to some extent of a half-long life, and till now i couldn’t put a name to my emotions. Everyone
gets low moods, so I assumed that was all I was feeling. Until some
time, when something happened, and it would just drag you to the very
deep hole, that you couldn’t breath, couldn’t think of anything else,
but just a lonely heart filled with emptiness, faithless and hopeless.
Life often seemed pointless, awful and miserable. Worse still, I didn’t
seem able to do anything about it and
thought feeling bad was my own fault because I didn’t try hard enough
to be happy.  I felt numb inside and so
lonely. A hectic and busy life with little pressure and enjoyment may
seem to be the only cure for my incurable sickness. However, this
‘good’ medicine does not seem to be much applicable when time flies.

Feeling really low and spending times on bed watching the ceiling on
top, adding in it is a much sorrow feeling that tears would drench my
face. Or watching outside the window, walking along a quite
passage,feeling of no light at the end of the tunnel, sitting on a
bench-ALONE…the unknown hurt that make me feel isolated mentally, is
indeed a torture. For me, sleeping is actually a blessed relief: being
unconscious is the only way to escape from how sick and mad I was
feeling. During the unconsciousness, i would never feel the waves of
sadness that crushed down on my soul, the heart that hurts and the
empty feeling inside, despite the lowest point, when death enters my
mind. It’s just so true that my mental pains is so unbearable!

When I was depressed, I felt like I was at the bottom of a pit mine and
there was no way out. Don’t get me wrong, i’m not that kind of person
who would just blame everything and the world but myself when something
sinister happened. I have a loving family, a bunch of good friends, in
fact, almost everything!!!I did try, i try very hard to change. I make
it easy to ease my pain, to embrace peace in mind. I try to turn
everything from negative to positive, twist the bad to good, console
and encourage myself to move on when i was sad, depress and lonely,
using all sorts of methods to gain self confidence and maturity.  Am i
pessimistic? Am i not in the right track? Am i a freak? I’m just
happened to encounter all this, trying hard to find a way out, but couldn’t and even worse, lost !People whom i love, i care so much..when you’re our of their sights, and you are out of their minds too. Eternal relationship, friendship seems untangible. What could i do? Who would understand all this? Who would care and help me to get out? I often find myself
asking why. And i know it is a search that I don’t know if I will ever
find the answer.

To be a social science student, i came to know and be aware of all
sorts of world issues happening around. And a conclusion just come to
my mind: UNFAIR!!
This world indeed, is just so unfair-inequality of wealth, food,
gender, love, care…………………………..towards uncountable.
I seem to slowly connecting this fact to my own life, no matter it
turns out to be something positive or negative. I understand that nobody can ever gain as much as he/she has
contributed. But why? I paid so much to gain just a little, but in
return, i have nothing, nothing absolutely!!!Not even a pea!!!  Fear, is always
haunting me, in anytime, any place, as i would scare that something
dreadful might happen that would turn my life upside down. The feeling of losing myself gradually is really scaring me. Hatred feeling that deep seated long ago is even driving me insane.

Meanwhile, I live a life where I appear bright and happy on the outside
and this is the side that not many people know. On the inside I feel
numb and in constant turmoil. i would try my best to make people beside
me feeling comfortable and be loved, fulfill all my promises, as this is what i can do, but also appeared to be the least i could do. Most of
the time, I find it hard to find a solution to lead me out of my
solitude. That is what being depressed feels like……

**This poem i found, suits me a lot, exactly a reflection of ME!

昨夜辗转难眠，，一直强迫自己入睡，不听话的脑袋却不知装满什么有的没有的，睡虫不断侵袭眼皮，思潮起伏。。。

回忆起小时和现在的我，以及这几年来周遭发生的事，心里感慨万千。前两天回小学见我的老师，虽然年隔许久，但是她依然还是那么关心我，还不停嘱咐我以后要多多与她联络。犹记得考SPM前见她的那时候，就是把一封红包塞进我手里，预祝我SPM 成功。我想，我和她师生的关系都已是往事了，可是彼此间的情义还是深刻地烙印在心坎中，这份真挚的关怀实在令我很感动。

曾经有一位很要好的朋友，形影不离，整天就好像蜜蜂窝里的蜜蜂黏在一起。但是这个蜜蜂窝很不幸被打散了，也只好各奔东西。失去了的友情，想再挽回，简直就比登天还难。然后有一些东西，三年前本来就知道后的今天，才知道原来上天早就注定它是属於我的。所以说，这个世界有时就是那不属於自己的，可是兜了一个大圈子，在三年么的荒谬，那么地令人困扰。

身为一个年十八的我，虽然还不像一些活过了大半世的人，羽翼丰满，但总算经历过生活的甜酸苦辣。也许是最近生活百般聊赖，回首过去，这些回忆往往如电影般浮现眼前。在茫茫的天地宇宙里，是缘分紧紧地把人类系在一起。细细重温过去，又是一份怎样的心情？喜悦？悲伤？遗憾？不管是一份真挚用心建立的，虚伪的，亦或是短暂而不值得回味的感情，但这一点一滴都不可能被遗忘，真是人生何处不相逢啊

人家说，做人不能一直缅怀过去，要珍惜现在，拥抱未来。在我生命的一部份，永远都少不了这一些回忆，一直到生命告一段落为止。
这几年来，身边的人物都仿佛由清晰变得模糊。人来人往，经过岁月的洗涤，还能留住的又有多少？无论如何，只能在心里默默地位他们祷告，希望他们平安，快乐。

心情坏透了。不知怎么，整个人浑浑噩噩，也不知自己为和会这样。很多事情都只好藏在心里，不敢和任何人说，仿佛我也开始要封闭自己了。可是长期把什么都埋藏在心里，真的很难受。我想说的，一定没有人可以接受得来，那该怎么办呢？心真的好痛，很无助，很伤心。真希望有‘人’现在会出现在我身旁扶我一把。很无聊，就乱写一通了。可是这一种不寻常的无聊心情，有谁能明白，明白一个知道自己很快有一天就会离开的人。

hihi….haiz….i’m so damn bored staying at home all day long….just put on a new post ….hope can receive news from friends around especially all my beloved classmates oh…just let me know how are u all getting on during this holidays….my friends….hope to hear from u soon…miss u all a lot…..best wishes always from yy

hello…

mmm….this cny 2006 seems to be a bit special to me…i oso dunno why..maybe it’s because i’m celebrating this new year for the last time as an amc student…wow….i have won few hundered dollars when i gambled with my family and relaives….haha…i started to believe those stuffs on the tv saying that snake has a good year 2006 with los of luck to go!!!And this week holidays have given me lots of fun…..ha….and i have my most memorable day and the happiest day of my life…haha…wana noe what is it???maybe u should make me drunk and i will throw all my secrets to u…

So nothing special..the beginning of the year is always the busiest time for me….running here and there….haiz….really tired man..but it’s rather challenging….cause to me…although it’s just the beginning of the year…many things happen….lot’s of surprises and others….even thought there are still lots of circumstances where i’m having conflicts with people and etc…but i just hope it will over soon..and i believe it will….. when thinking this is the last year in amc….i will say…that’s ok!!!!i really appreciate my last year of school life in amc….my friends..my classmates….the teachers…and my muis…my dear..my darling…..haha…i couldn’t believe me what kind of life i would face after i leave the school….oh…just forget about it…

so this year hope to get good results in exams..and of course the most important one…spm…..anyway….i’m just looking forward to a brand new year…..

Wishing all of my beloved friends…..my muis……and all homosapiens all the best…that’s all…..

byebye….

hihi…feel so contented after updating my profile with new backgrounds and songs…AND I"M GOING TO CHANGE THE SONG every one or two days…and added in new related picture of the song…so stay in touch with my profile ya!!!

hello…oh..this is the first time i’m creating this new post..juz wana say a hi to every of my friends in this friendster….Good luck to all of u…